Sunday, October 19, 2008

Top 10 Things to do with a Dead Girlfriend

So it's finally come to this, eh? Little Miss "Seemed like a good idea at the time" mistakenly bumped her head on an airborne toaster oven and has made herself your kitchen's newest floor decoration. Yes, we know it wasn't your fault. Her incessant nagging and unpredicatable criticisms conjured up weird indoor wind patterns strong enough to project appliances at skull-denting speeds. Her impatience with you and your friends meant there would be little blood spatter on the wall. Her talking during Sportscenter inexplicably made the volume of the TV go up at the moment of blood-curdling-scream impact.Whatever the case may be, you've got a dead girlfriend. But before you go all 'call the copsy' on yourself, let's examine the finer points of this situation:

10. Try out that new flying machine you've been building!
Obviously you've been too strapped for cash to pick up an actual crash test dummy. Hell, you couldn't even afford a used copy of "God Shuffled His Feet", the breakthrough effort by the actual Crash Test Dummies. But now, with a little duct tape and balance, the cardboard wings you cut from the box your refridgerator came in and lawnmower engine will finally get its chance at the sky. This is almost guaranteed to work if your girlfriend's name was Amelia.

9. Holiday Picture Time!
Before she gets grave waxy, suit up those red 'n green sweaters and start printing Christmas cards. Even better, caption them with "Sharon wishes she could be here this year, but she's hunting with her estranged Father in Vancouver. Much love!" No one's ever been to Vancouver. It's just that far away and imaginary to be believable. Afterwards just leave her dressed up, wouldn't you want to be found dead wrapped in holdiday spirit?

8. Argh, bills...bills...bills...
Damn the mail man you say! Nothing but poor bank statements and late notices. Well if you're gonna mail those checks (and christmas cards!) whose gonna lick those stamps and seal those envelopes? You have not got the saliva, my friend. It's your lucky day though, as you've got a sack of rapidly decaying salivary glands at your disposal. She *was* the one who convinced you to get H.D. cable afterall, so she should have to pull some of the weight too. It's only fair.

7. Add New Contact? FUCK YEAH!
Obviously Johnny Law and the Coroner's Office Brigade are going to confiscate all of your sweetheart's possessions. Including her cell phone. But are you going to grieve with all of her hot friends at happy hour? Get those god damn numbers now. Anna was pretty smoking for a red head. Your girlfriend did used to get jealous when Kate would talk to you at parties. Stacy was way hot but kinda out of your league...and wasn't she dating that boxer? Then there's Ingrid. She seemed easy. Didn't Kevin sleep with her? Yeah.....Ingrid.

6. Feed the homeless!
Weren't all your friends always giving you shit because you never did any charity work? Well I hear the soup kitchen downtown needs some volunteers, and what a coincidence, you can bring some of your homecooked girlfriend pot pies along with you. I know it might be hard dicing up the girl who used to be so hypnotizing in that little red dress she wore, but then can you really appreciate your girlfriend's curves without battering them with garlic and red win vinegarette, served under sauteed onions and green peppers?

5. Hot or not?
You know that deep down inside, you were always insecure about how good looking other people thought your girlfriend was. No one wants to be that guy with the ugly girlfriend. Well, that's why baby Jesus gave us webcams. Snap a few quick pics (use toothpicks to prop up her smile) and let millions of web surfers arrive at a verdict for you! 7.9? Not bad. 8.4? Heh, alrighty then. 6.5? Aww, she's better than that at least. 9.8? HEY DUDE BACK THE FUCK OFF THAT'S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!......Oh, wait.

4. Lego My Eggo, bitch.
So since your toaster oven broke for whatever reason, you've had to make the trek to Sears and purchase a replacement. Sit your girlfriend up in a chair in the kitchen (shouldn't be hard, she was already on the floor there) and have her be witness to you actually cooking breakfast. Remember how she always would bitch at you for not cooking? Well how did these blueberry waffles get here? Make her a plate, and while you guys are enjoying Dr. Phil, ask her if she likes her meal. Then take her plate away and tell her she should stick with the diet. The memories of this moment should make prison bearable.

3. Doesn't she kinda look like Nicole Kidman?
Isn't that what some of your half witted buddies would say? Well, crack out her makeup kit (she probably kept it at your place) and do some A list hollywood work on her. See if you indeed can make her like Nicole Kidman. He skin and bone structure should be a little more malleable. Afterward, once you've nailed the likeness down, call the press and tell them you have Nicole Kidman at your house. See if they care.

2. Get a CLUE.
Yes, it was in the kitchen with the toaster oven, but why not in the study with the candle stick? Or in the parlor with the knife? Invite some friends over and play a game of Clue. You can be the charmingly delightful host, and your house which was once gruesome murder scene, is now a place of alcohol fueled mystery and intrigue on a weekend when most of your friends are out of town. Your girlfriend never let you throw parties, so afterward use her head as a mop to clean the den where the beer bong contest got a little out of hand.

1. Welcome to Wal-Mart!
Duh! Second income! Benefits! Discounts on products that's prices were already so rolled back its ridiculous. All she has to do is not be creepy, so use that box of crayola permanent markers to give her the kind of smile that says "entry level employee, doesn't have a fucking chance at management". Sync up a recorded greeting with the automatic doors, and cram it in the orifice you find most fitting. Realistically, judging from the health and dental breaks, it'll be the best thing you ever crammed in her.

So there ya go. Before your story becomes fodder for Forensic Files or CSI: Baton Rouge, have a little fun. I left out the blatantly redundant options of making a nice throw rug or raincoat out of her. Or even a retractable awning. Come on dude, she was your girlfriend. Use a little god damn imagination.

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