Sunday, January 25, 2009

Adventures in Pornography Land

I've never been too into internet porn. Seemed kinda redundant. It was usually very poor quality, and you'd have to wait while a video buffered just so you could skip to the ending. Yawn. Not too mention the deli-style quality of some of these girls, and the fact that I tend to get sidetracked by other details going on the in the room at the time. "Does that guy only have one ball?"..."Haha, they wrapped the couch up in plastic"..."Why is it curved that way?"..."Ugh, this lighting is sooo tacky".

BUT...when you have a laptop computer hooked up in your bedroom, curiosity will indeed come calling. After indulging my initial fantasies about horses, midgets, and derelicts...I've got a few complaints to file. Never would I have thought that I'd be disappointed with strangers fucking at my convenience, but some of this shit is not only ridiculous, but it begs the questions "What the fuck are they doing and why the fuck am I watching this? Fuck."

First off, why are some of these videos a half-hour long? At best, a porn video should only be 2 minutes in length - about the usual total time for my own sexual escapades. Beyond that, its fucking boring. Why is foreplay so prominently featured? They're not even creative, and it lasts for like 10 fucking minutes. Yeah I suppose at first analyzing how the chick is giving a blowjob is intriguing, or obnoxiously visual tongue tricks a guy uses on a chick are educational...but get to the point already. Although when they do that, it just gets more tedious. Alright, he's hitting her from behind on the couch. Now they are on the floor. Oh look, reverse cowgirl. he seems to be going for the wheel barrow..oh wait, back to the floor into a 69. God. Throw in some color commentary and you've got an Olympic event right here. I shudder to think that people actually emulate this shit in their own bedrooms. This is retarded. Unless this is just supposed to be one big cosmic joke on me, I cannot fathom how this is a multi-billion dollar industry. Especially considering how I've continued to never pay for it.

But then we get to the southwestern style mayonnaise center of thisl roast beef hoagie. The money shot. The facial. The Cream Pie. The Anal Explosion. The Grand DNA Inquisition. The EXTREME facial. Its hard to keep track. The titles of the videos lend little help: "Hot Teenage Asian Gets All You Can Eat Hot Cock Buffet, Pumped Full of Cream Sauce". Okay. Right. After you've seen pregnant woman porn or bukkake, that last description doesn't even phase you. Beyond that, these money shots are not only more ridiculous than all the gravity-defying-sport-fucking, they get downright science fictional. I refuse to believe that these girls are actually getting covered in jizz head to toe. I may be actually getting into the know, really enjoying it...and then here comes 2 shark looking dicks blasting what seems to be a gallon of krispy kreme donut glaze for about a minute. This causes me to throw computer across room is frustrated disbelief. NOT physical ecstasy. Then the girls just sit there half laughing half crying with their mouth forced open into a smile like they are waiting to catch a raindrop. All the while, the glaze train keeps coming and coming and coming. Biologically, this is impossible. Even David Copperfield's going "Wait, how the fuck did he do that!?"

So I then close up the computer and feel something between anger, discomfort, and shame. I don't even want to go into bukkake, which is a word that somehow SOUNDS just as stupid and disturbing as the act it describes. Its not even that I have a puritanical approach to sex, I assume I like it just as wild and crazy as anybody else, but I sincerely hope these videos are made purely for comedy purposes. Or at least, watched for purely comedy purposes. I still can't understand why a guy would watch a video featuring the phrase "HUGE COCK" since for me, I'd just feel inadequate and have to resume my relationship counseling. I'd rather not know how big some of these guys' dicks are. At the same token, I don't really want to know how far some of these plasticized girls can squirt across the room. Although I'm glad there's an industry giving all the abused and molested children of the world an outlet for their talents, and that the emotionally crippled are getting as close to actual affection as they're ever going to get - just try not to hit me with those cream cannons, eh?

I don't know. Call me old fashioned.