Sunday, October 19, 2008

Profiles in Slurpage

I'll be honest, I go to 7-11 like everyday. Many times a day. It's like on every fucking corner, open 24/7, and has not once tried to sabotage my health with expired goods. It stomps, pisses, and shits on any previous convenience store I have ever encountered. I mean, I'm not on first name basis with the staff yet, but Hadji-Hadji Jihad knows who I am. There's no exchance of pleasantries or anything...just business and commerce. I've got my chicken salad sandwich, and he's pretty much got my total memorized by now. However, the biggest selling point of the 7-11 empire is the one, the only, the motherfucking...


You may just see it as a fountain soft drink, but its much more. The Big Gulp has evolved into a fucking parliament of thirst domination. Gone are the days of Small - Medium - Large. Yawn. That went out the window with the Olsen twins' food pyramid. It almost gets as complicated, but that's why I'm here to lay down the law. Keep in mind, I don't seriously have this information floating around in my head - I have to google this shit. Did you know wikipedia had an article on the Big Gulp? Ha! Of course they fucking did, LOSER!

Let's break it down:

Gulp - 20oz of your favorite poison - This one's for the women. If I see a dude sipping on just a Gulp, I'm gonna smack it out of his probably well-manicured metrosexual douche bag hand.

Big Gulp - 32oz - the original gangsta...and while I respect it, it's still not enough. I've long since gone beyond this one. It's like if your girlfriend got a boob job, but you were always offered the opportunity to play with the "old" version of girlfriend too. Boo! Obsolete!

Super Big Gulp - 44oz - ahh, this is more my speed. Don't get me wrong though, while I can certainly fit a lot of Mountain Dew in the cup, there's certainly been times where I've chugged this sucker empty, leaving me to yearn for...

Double Gulp - 66oz - Jackpot motherfucker. This bad mama jama never lets me down. No matter what, I cannot fit 66oz of fountain soda into my stomach at one time. I just can't. I probably shouldn't even try. Nevertheless, this hallmark of pure American gluttony is the ONLY choice for real, 7-11 going men.

But now it gets complicated. For all the wonderful things 7-11 has done for my life...they have to go throw THIS cog in the wheel:

Ultimate Gulp - 66oz - Yeah. That's right. They dared to jump another level in name value, but didn't even have the presence of mind to up the fucking amount of liquid you could get? What the fuck? Why call it ultimate then, assholes? Well...the Ultimate Gulp is like a giant plastic thermos, shrink wrapped and covered in pictures of NFL players or whatever. You have to purchase the container. Then open it. Pull out the "Free Drink" sticker thats inside. Go fill up your monstrosity. Then check out again and redeem the sticker. Who the fuck would buy it? I admit, I *was* tempted until I got a measure on the ounces. Fuck you, 7-11. You dare to charge me more when I can just buy the Double Gulp instead? Not today, comrade.

I challenge 7-11 to go for the gold. I wanna see a real Ultimate Gulp. 80oz of shut-the-fuck-up and suck me. That's a task in itself, because these giant Big Gulp containers require like 2ft long straws. You don't wanna know how many miles of bright orange 7-11 straws I have in my small studio apartment. I feel bad just throwing them away. Pedro Penniless in the Dominican could probably use them to build a hut or something...or at least fashion the into some sort of bizarre indoor plumbing.

I also feel bad throwing the cups away. Perhaps the only guilt I've ever felt in my life. They're made of fairly sturdy plastic. I mean, this is shit you can keep. I reuse mine all the time, though I still collect more - so my kitchen sink looks a lot like the drink fountain at 7-11. Just pick your size.

However, at my house we only have Super Big Gulp and Double Gulp. That's how I roll, nancy boy.

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