Earth Women for Dummies

Navigating the volatile terrain of the human female...

I'm a creative person, right? I need an outlet, I need to put some thoughts down, so strap yourselves in 'cause away we gooooooooooo...

Let's break the female form into a few categories, because I've learned nothing pisses people off more than categorization. For the sake of this little diatribe, I require the simplicity of labels. Yeah, yeah, you were all brought up differently and I'm sure all the nuances of girl's personality are wonderful, but that's all going out the window for a while. We have 5 different types of girls: hardnosed task-oriented powder kegs, artsy fartsy free spirited dreamers, red white and blue midwestern tom-boys, pompous little wannabe princesses, and self satisfying pleasure seeking crazies of the loose contigency. Did I leave any out? Yeah you'be probably just thought of four or fiver more random examples. Fuck you, I'm writing this.

The hardnosed task-oriented powder keg is a working woman. She's got all the personality sparks of a granite kitchen counter top. She wants it her way, she gets it her way....because quite frankly she's such a bitch no one feels like arguing with her. They're never happy, but that doesn't mean they're sad, they're just writing off their persistent disappointment as professional slackery. They could be making all the money in the world but will still come off as a frosty piece of glacier. Although, they do look great in a uniform. And they are called 'powder kegs' because all that inner 'oh my god i must do better' turmoil could explode at any moment.

The artsy fartsy free spirited dreamer can usually be spotted with a camera (what is the fucking deal with girls and photography? Is it because an image of something imprinted in a roll of film is the only piece of reality they'll ever really be able to control or manipulate?) or book about eastern philosophies. They think they are the reincarnated spirit of Clara Barton or Calamity Jane or Janis Joplin or some other shit. They are usually enchanting in that 'oh I've never met a girl like you before' until you meet 30 more of them and realize the local hemp shop or used bookstore cranks a few dozen out a day. It's ok, they usually date musicians and we all know how that cheese melts.

Red, white, and blue mid-western tom boys are raised in families with a lot of males (father, brothers, abusive uncles) and are usually seen as 'one of the guys' until 'one of the guys' fucks them and blows the whole illusion. These girls are great additions to your social circle though...they'll hang out drinking beer all day and talk about how bitchy other chicks are with you. It's cute. They think they're being all different and independent and not-girly. Like the aformentioned dreamers, its easy to fall for one of these girls because its 'oh man i've never met someone as down to earth as you'...until you meet the next bunch. They're everywhere, usually surrounded by a crowd of guys, and you can never figure who's hitting it because showing affection in public is...afterall...girly.

Pompous little wannabe princesses pretty much explain themselves. They came up either in a rich household, or a very small town, where they were lavished with extreme amounts of attention. By the time they come of age, they are well aware of their appearance's perks, but lack the charm of a dreamer or tom boy and the drive of the hardnosed powder keg.. So they manufacture an attitude, usually copied from something they see on TV about how teenage girls act, and 'wa-la!' they seem fake when you meet them. They always have nice cars though, banging bodies, and if they are fucking anyone its probably some random european guy that leaves you wondering 'whats the appeal?'. It's all part of the decor, something they learned on E!'s 'wild on morocco' or something.

Pleasure seeking crazies of the loose contingency are the most honest of them all. They fuck out loud, so to speak. Every girl has one of these inside of them, buried by all that extra bullshit we've already gone over. See, you may think its sexy when your conservative tom boy reveals her kinky side, but these girls wear it on their sleeve even when they aren't wearing a shirt. You could call them sluts, but these women define themselves by having a good time. In effect, they are more tom boy than the tom boy. Best of all, they are the last ones to get attached or feed you any type of emotional bullshit. You know the movie "Leaving Las Vegas" where the girls says "You can come on my face, just keep it out of my hair, I just washed it." Yeah, it's like that. Business. They are not to be looked down on, because when any of the other girls break your heart, its in these girls' beds that you end up. Poetic, no?Now that I've successfully judged women, feel free to add a whole bunch of other categories...just don't tell me I left any out. If you want to do this than you blatantly ignored my original warning of fucking off. And if you ignored that, whose to say that you glossed over other vital parts of this blog, hmm?

Look girls, I think its great and cute when you do all the little things you do. You have all earned your own special place in the world. Just keep in mind I see through all the charades, the makeup, the attitudes, the stupid way you talk like you're in the movie Clueless or the cute way you talk like you're from Little House on the Prairie, the way you dance or the way you feel like you're above it, the fashions, the hobbies, and of course the middle finger you'll give me when I call you out on all of it. Don't fret though, odds are I'm probably going to marry one of you and settle into that blissfully constant argument that starts at middle age and ends with a flatline. You know the one where we constantly draw lines in the sand about you're a woman and I'm a man, the stuff that makes stand up comedians their small income on the club circuit. It's a beautiful thing.

Me? Well just because I'm reading the labels doesn't mean I'm writing them. I've got my own little square and I'm doing quite well. Ideally, I'd like to be that dashing, tragic, heroic, manic, clever, strong, and hopelessly romantic fellow you see with the beautiful girl. Maybe I'll even be decked in the prerequisite guitar, or on a motorcylcle, or in a really expensive suit, fulfilling that last fantasy of absolute freedom that every woman pines about.

Rest assured though, I'm doing it for the chicks. Even though you are all decorated in the categories above, as stupid and lame and as contrived as they are, you still stir up some damn good feelings. Good fucking god, is there a better reason out there?

I don't think so.