Sunday, October 19, 2008

Presidential Election '08 Breakdown '08

The purpose of this note is so that no one can ask me who I am voting for.


Why? Well, firstly I'm not even registered. That usually messes me up everytime I go to vote for all those smashing city council celebrities. (Read: Local councils are usually/always made up of: 5 white guys who's dads were in the same council, 3 super-empowered bitter housewives, 1 super motivated black dude, 1 super motivated bitter overweight black chick, and 1 uppity annoying fresh out of college cocksucker of any denomination)

Secondly, government politics not only are boring, they feature people none of us can stand. Remember that fucking kid in high school who had to run for everything in every fucking bullshit high school election? Those are the people that grow up with the notion that they can be president. Do you know what kind of psychology that requires? "Yeah, I'm great, everyone should agree with me. Ooh, what's this? A check? Thank you unnamed charitable organization."

OBama is not super hip. McCain is not a crusty war monger. All that's coming out of their mouthes is the same 'ol drivel that comes out of all politicans mouthes. "Change". What the fuck? OBama can't lower gas prices, which as far as I'm concerned, is the only issue anyone should give a fuck about. He can't. McCain can't either. They're just going to stand on a fucking soap box, roll up their sleeves like a high school counselor, and tell the lowest common denominator of the American population that they deserve better. God its so fucking redundant. And I'm supposed to have an opinion on which one of these fuckers is better? Fuck that. I'm going to judge these people the old fashioned way. Their appearance.

BARACK OBAMA: Yay, the black dude. He's cool by default in that his voice is deeper AND he's got a whole section of clothing dedicated to him at Urban Outfitters. They've been gunning this guy as a celebrity the day he raised his first dollar for a YMCA basketball court. Just because he has a cool name. I'm pretty sure that's it. His god damn wife is on the cover of every fucking woman's magazine on the rack, as if people looking up recipes for cherry cobbler have any fucking right to evern FORMULATE an opinion on the state of the economy. I'm a bit burned by OBama because here in Chicago, his dick's so far down everyone's throat that waiting to see who wins the state of Illinois is not only a bygone conclusion, but a complete waste of fucking time.

JOHN MCCAIN: As charming as any vietnam vet can be, this guy went from being the 'make fun of himself' dude on Comedy Central 8 years ago to a vertiable psychopath. Since every clueless American is having a love affair with OBama, all McCain can do is either...well, AGREE with Barack...which he has done on debates (that makes no sense to me, or the entire history of open elections and democratic government) or polarize his views and be the complete opposite of OBama says. He's done that too. It doesn't make fucking sense. Remember, the visibility of presidential candidates is based on how much money has been pumped into their campaign. You are not voting on the opinions and leadership capabilities of one man, but the personal and professional agendas of the highest bidder.

Doesn't that sound really fucking depressing? Jaded? It probably sounds like exactly what would be coming out of a 22yr old's mouth who doesn't have a fucking clue what he's talking a bout. That's why I'm not voting. Unless the gestapo burn down all my 7-11s, pillage my tiny studio apartment of cds, and smash my bass - I'm just going to assume everything's peachy in Washington.

No matter who wins the election, I'm sure every stand up comedian will still be bitching about whoever the President is. It never changes. People bitched about Clinton, now they bitch about Bush, and soon they're gonna bitch about the next guy in line. Yawn.

And that, ladies and gents, is about as political as I'm ever gonna get.

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