Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Testicular Chart of Music

Some would say music is measured in decibels. Now take out the mathematical prefix of 'deci' and what do you have left? "Bels". Hmm, could this just be a historically mispronounced version of the word....I don't know...


I do belive I am correct. God damnit Josh, you've done it again.

So let's move on to the long overly drawn out task of rating all of music by how much "BALLS" its possesses. We'll start from highest to lowest.

99.999999% BALLS: AC/DC
Let's cut through all the assumed bullshit right here. There is no doubt that the most ballicious music in the world is AC/DC. Somewhere in the congo a newly wedded tribal couple is doing the horizontal hammer to the sound of "You Shook Me All Night Long", "Beating Around The Bush", or "Let Me Put My Love Into You". Never in my life have I ever seen an acoustic guitar onstage with AC/DC let alone HEARD one on an album. Are they guilty of basically rewriting the same song over and over? Yes, but that song is about sex, and probably has a narly guitar solo. The only points they lose in balls is because they recorded a lame soundtrack for an 80s Steven King movie. But even then, that movie was about cars. Cars that killed people.

92% BALLS: Rick James
Now I'm using Rick here as an example of all the pimp masters of funk rock. I could have said a number of people, but Rick has them all beat. First of all, most funk rock requires a certain level of 'talent' per se. White people practice for years to get it, black dudes naturally have it. In the video for "Superfreak" Rick is wearing a bass guitar, know...I don't think he even plays bass guitar. I could be wrong, but he certainly doesn't in the video. What this says to me is that Rick James was so busy doing blow and fucking underage girls that he had the audacity to wear a bass guitar in a completely bass guitar driven song and not even play it. And he still got famous. Are you shitting me? Did I mention he was banging Linda Blair - the girl from the exorcist? He was literally statuatory raping THE DEVIL. He only loses points for co-writing shitty music with Eddie Murphy, right about the time Eddie Murphy stopped being funny.

84% BALLS: Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley & Friends (also know as KISS from time to time)
Always accused of being money hungry merchandising hounds, KISS literally set the standard in male compensation. Fire, blood, hydraulics, more fire, more blood, comics, toys, and so forth. When interviewed for The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years, Gene opted to be in a lingerie store while Paul went the more stoic route and had the camera aimed down at him in bed with several women. Now all of this is pure balls, especially the whole 'take off the signature makeup and still go multi-platinum' move, or the 'we'll organize our own conventions so we don't even have to play music but our fans will still show up, then act surprised when Ace or Peter or any other estranged ex-member shows up coincidentally' move. Not to mention that Gene Simmons has fucked EVERYONE. Literally, everyone. Diana Ross? Done. Cher? Done. That cute girl who lived across the street from the house you grew up in? Done. They only lose points for being in a really gay movie about phantoms or something.

79% BALLS: Wendy O'Williams and The Plasmatics
This chick used to chainsaw cars in half onstage and she didn't even have a penis. When doing her video for "It's My Life" (which Gene Simmons produced, so he probably fucked her too) she performed her own stunt of leaping out of a convertible onto a helicopter-connected rope ladder just before the car plummets off a cliff. How did she eventually bite the bullet you ask? By literally trying to bite the bullet and committing suicide via gunshot by herself in a forest. Now Wendy was only around in the limelight for a short time, and a female, but good god she has more balls then 6 harley davidson engines shoved into a Buick chassy and tied to a rocket shaped like the middle finger. She is only going to lose points in this chart by simply still not being around to murder all the people who flocked to Lilith Fair. Why did you leave us Wendy? So many cars still yet to be chainsawed.

70% BALLS: tie between Sam Cooke, Jackie Wilson, and James Brown
Usually a person's balls is determined by simply asking one question. Is this person alive? No. Then follow that question with another question. SHOULD this person still be alive? If the answer is yes, then they simply had too many balls for a single lifetime. Jackie Wilson had a heart attack while performing in Vegas at age 41, left comatose, and still held on for almost 10 more years. Sam Cooke was shot at age 33 by a hotel manager because he burst into her office naked and raving. James Brown beat em all and crackheaded his way to 73. His funeral? A concert. With him laying right in front of the stage. The only drawback to these tremendous singers was that they all honed their voices by singing in church choirs. Church is gay. Sorry dudes. But seriously, put on any of these guys records and then watch American Idol and you should get a bird's eye view on why old people say "Music was better when I was a kid".

60% BALLS: Nine Inch Nails
I'm not going to lie. As pathetic as a song as "Hurt" is, "Closer" has bedded countless "Oh I think I'm so alternative, my daddy doesn't know I'm bad" girls. As stupid as industrial music is, as bad as Trent Reznor's haircut ever was, and as lame as their album titles are (Pretty Hate Machine? Wow, deep) that single song will make girls fuck like they actually want you to fuck them. Novel concept, right? We're treading close to failing territory in terms of Balls, but Nine Inch Nails barely makes the grade. They also lose a lot of points for the bullshit fashion trend they helped exploit in the industrial scene. Fat pale chicks in fishnets and pleather boots? That looks like squeezing cream cheese out of a pair of old black socks. And Trent's hair brings me to my next subject...

54% BALLS: The Cure
Once again I cannot deny that The Cure have a lot of catchy whimsical songs. Robert Smith also has this artsy fartsy attitude that women just seem to swoon for making believe its all a contrived put on. And all his recent Cure reunion comebacks is only further proof that Mr. Depressed Hopeless Romantic is only in it for the dollar bills. Which is great, because that's what earns him his meager percentage of balls. If you can get onstage and whine like a bitch 20 years ago when it WASN'T IN FASHION (hi emo kids, how ya doin?) and make a small fortune then by all means, do it to it. Decent music aside (The Smiths are better, like way better honestly) Robert Smith has also perpetuated ugly fashions that have given women devoid of sunlight the ridiculous notion that they could be attractive. I thought those guys were CURING something. Bad joke. Sorry.

48% BALLS: That one song Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting all collaborated on
It was called "All For Love" and you can watch the video on YouTube. Does anyone remember this? Now I've excluded the individuals from this chart because I really can't decide on where to place them. Bryan Adams is fucking brilliant pop rock, but admittedly he's some really homosexual songs. Rod Stewart is pure fucking pimp, but his songs are so soft and wishy-washy you can't really stomach two of them in a row, and Sting....well....that's not hard, Sting has close to no balls. But anyway, they all got together for this MTV gimmicky collaboration and if you ever listen to it, you can feel a vagina start to form where your dick should be. I'm sure for middled aged suburban women this song was like a brand new minivan, but the rest of the world could have been spared. Whoever's idea it was should be taken out and beat with a shovel.

41% BALLS: Elvis Presley
Do you ever notice how Elvis just disappeared in the 60s? It's like when you think of the sixties you think of hippies and vietnam and John Kennedy applying fresh paint to the interior of his car, but you never think of Elvis. He was there in the 50s, fuck he was HUGE, then he was gone, and then by the 1970s he was a broken down lounge singer. That's because he was joining the army, making shitty movies, and figuring out how many more shitty people he could add to his entourage. He could have been the President of Pimp, our Commander in Briefs, but instead he shit it all away. Literally. Your Elvis fucking do you fuck that up. Notice how when you dress up like Elvis these days its a giant joke? That's fucking sad. He loses points for that. For becoming a worthless shell of himself. Watch his 1968 comeback special where he's in a full leather suit. Did you know that he turned himself on so much that night that he actually CAME IN HIS PANTS. 10 years later he's dead because of addiction to pills and ham sandwiches. Man, fuck you Elvis. But at least you'll always be better than...

30% BALLS: The Beatles
Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. How do you go from the swinging sounds of pimps like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, to fucking annoying British pop. How does Johnny Cash tour the country to zero fanfare at the same time this bunch of bowl cut kids with accents are exploding on the Ed Sullivan show. Do you know how to write a Beatles song? Come up something nonsensical and repeat it in a high pitched liverpool accent. We all live in a Yellow Submarine. I am the Walrus. This is a perfect example of contrived American fads. Elvis pussed out, Buddy Holly was dead, and Willie Nelson didn't give a fuck. Who's left? The Beach Boys? Way to drop the ball guys. Nope, America got stuck with the fucking Beatles. George Harrison was the only ballsy one of the bunch - and you heard about him the least. John Lennon ran off with his girlfriend and made naked pictures and terrible albums. I would have shot him too. Paul McCartney is still making money, but for some reason Michael Jackson ended up with a large chunk of their royalties? How the fuck? Thank god The Who showed up a year later and proved that not ALL of England was gay.

24% BALLS: Anything related to the term Teen-Pop
Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, Brittany Spears, and so forth all belong in this category. Their music is overproduced drivel, and when you think of Johnny Cash flipping off a warden at Folsom Prison and then watch one of these groups' music videos you'll understand this whole BALLS chart a whole lot better. These people are so backwards in heterosexuality that when one of them comes out of the closet no one is shocked, even though this person spent his whole career singing about women! C'mon! If George Clinton came out everyone would lose their shit. If Nick Carter came out, so what? The only points awarded here is that their terrible music somehow makes women want to dance, and that usually is an indicator that they want to do some other more interesting activites. I've danced to this music, I know, but I'm not ashamed because it was a necessary evil at the time.

17% BALLS: Lenny Kravitz
Personally, I hate Lenny Kravitz. I think his songs suck, he's a pompous artsy musician, and yet all he writes are perfect pop radio jingles. He was born into stardom via his mom who was in The Jeffersons. I don't like people like that. You got to have dirty under your fingernails so to speak if you're gonna get onstage and claim to the audience that you're playing rock 'n' roll. Your fancy fucking clothes and repeitive songs are going to sell me on that. Oh you did a song with Slash? Nope, still not convinced. Every song on your new album is about sex with girls? Nope that's like Prince - you still seem gay to me. Obviously though everything Lenny does Prince has done better. Fuck Kid Rock has more legitimate credibility than Kravitz. That's saying a lot. If you feel like you can introduce a musician to your parents and he'll fit right in then something is definitely wrong. It's like no matter how many more random piercings or tribal tatoos you get - you're still safe enough for 12 year old girls to listen to. And safe is not BALLS.

10% BALLS: Today's Pop Rock
I guess it stems from shit like Radiohead and Beck crammed into a blender with Ben Folds Five. Whatever the case may be, it's really gay and the only Balls it gets is because it is obviously making money and pulling chicks to the shows. Why? I have no idea. I could walk right by the singer from Gomez or Cold War Kids in the produce aisle at Piggly Wiggly and have no fucking clue. Fuck he could sit down in front of me and start playing a piano and singing and all I would think is "Wow this sucks, this guy should give up on music". I mean not all music needs to be balls to the wall volume and macho pomp all the time, but it also doesn't have to be mopey pretentious shit all the time either. Maybe its because I only hear the hit singles and the really rocking tracks are on the albums that I'll never buy. Pop rock really stalled out in the 90s once 'grunge' deflated - the world got Creed, 3 Doors Down, and Puddle of Mud. Wow. Man when you line up those 3 bands in the same sentence its really fucking depressing.

They successfully took the most angry, angst driven form of music, ripped its heart out, drew a smiley face on it, and said "Yeah this is still punk rock." I'm not gonna go into the whole "punk is dead" debate because I don't care. That was all a marketing trick too. Listen to The Ramones and then listen to Green Day. Start to get it yet? Somehow Green Day got shuffled under this punk monicker and now sits up in the charts with the heaviest selling rock bands. That inspires more tongue and cheek fun punk like Blink 182 and The Offspring. All well and good, more markets mean more money, but its music for children who haven't come of age yet to have that 'punk is dead' revelation at lunch time in high school. Where the older cooler kid smacks you and walks off in a jacket covered in Exploited and Minor Threat patches. What's worse is that they won't go away. You think they'd just have a few hits and WHAM there you go with another hit album and bunch of terrible new singles constantly on the radio. I'd say their bass player is the coolest one. Talk about a free ride.

0% BALLS: U2
All of you saw this coming. So let's get it over with. Fuck Bono. The end.

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