Sunday, October 19, 2008

Homeless people can fuck right off!

On any given day, the one block stretch between my apartment and the closest 7-11 has exactly 3 homeless guys on it. Asking for change. They sit pretty much 20yds apart from each other, positioned in front of the exits to different stores. A marvelous tactic, but each day I have to duck my head, wave my hand in a "go away you homeless piece of shit" fashion, and then...almost feel guilty about it. I almost feel fucking guilty because I am ignoring 3 homeless, unemployed, and (most likely) junkie wastes of life on my street en route to getting a dinner *I've* starved for all day.

I'm sorry, but something's wrong with that. I shouldn't feel guilty. Jesus christ, even the foyer to my apartment building...not the lobby...the foyer...the area between the outside door and the door you need a key to access...has the occassional homeless dude crouched in there because its too cold outside. Too cold? Yeah, that's why people have jobs...SO THEY HAVE FUCKING HOMES WHEN IT GETS COLD OUTSIDE. I'm not sure if I've ever encountered a counter-argument to my bitching. Everyone I know pretty much hates homeless people too. Nay, they despise them. So how the fuck does this continue. Why is a guy fucking sleeping in my foyer and no one is doing anything about it? Is it in bad taste to call the police on that? Fuck, I guess its not *THAT* big of a deal, but the point remains: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BUILDING I'M PAYING FOR.

I also love the approaches of the homeless. You can always spot them in your peripheal vision a block away. They single you out and say something like "Hey big man, you think you can help me out?" I almost want to jingle the change in my pocket loud enough so hears it and say "NO." Or when they're ex-marines or something, that's funny too. Yeah, use that one. I don't care if you used to be a fireman, a surgeon, a senator, or a puppy. You're homeless. Go away. You want my money? Learn some tricks and entertain me. It's a barter system, asshole. I can't even start to fathom the overweight people in motorized wheel chairs that ask for money. Not only are they beggars, they're fat, they're ugly, and of course - they make me feel the worst. Once again, WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL BAD IF I DON'T HELP YOU OUT. God damn...fuck this puritan country's imposed system of morality. You can't shovel coal, get the fuck off the train. alleviate my guilt, here's some proposed solutions:

-The diamond trade. Why break the backs of little South African kids when we can ship our strapping homeless population over there with DeBeers work permits. Less homeless, more bling bling.

-Write a book. "Homeless in America" would be 'hilariously insightful' possibly according to Maxim, and Joe Crusty Beard can tour the talk show circuit and fund his meth habit all at once. Hurrah.

-Bring that manned carriage thing to the states. You know, the ones you see in China. Have the homeless just trucking around people in the city, offering cheaper rates than cabs. Why the fuck not.

-Cure depression. All these drug companies make billions on bullshit medicine. I say, sell homeless people off as "friends" to sad people. Think of them as Paid-Mood-Slaves.

-Gas prices too high? Give every homeless fellow in the country a shovel. One fresh tuna salad sandwich goes to the first one who strikes oil. The sandwich would of course be garnished with crack cocaine.

-Include the homeless in our national surveys on obesity. When averaged out, I'm sure the overall weight of americans would drop 30%. Uh...I guess that really doesn't solve the problem though.

These are just a few ideas I'm throwing out there. I left my more radical "FINAL SOLUTION Pt. II" ideas out of it because...well, it's facebook, and I'll save my homeless-into-dogfood machine blueprints for the book. I also think beer companies like Pabst and Schlitz would benefit with more honest campaigns about who drinks they're product. "PABST BLUE RIBBON: It won't make your teeth fall out. That's just a coincidence" or "SEAGRAM'S GIN: Because you didn't do a fucking thing all day." Although, in a way, I guess laying around on the street all day wrapped in newspapers is the most 'liberated' thing a person could do. I guess instead of incinerating them, I should be patting these folks on the back? Could they even be more American than our greatest heroes? Is being a homeless, jobless, drug addled, toothless, street urchin beggar truly living the dream?

Nah. Fire up the ovens.

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