Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Depth of Being Shallow

I must come off as a real asshole sometimes. In fact, all the time. However, just like a mack truck that turns into a giant galactic warrior, there's more to that than meets the eye.

For example, being in this asshole state I am enabled to identify other assholes who may not be as honest in their quest as I am. We exist on the same common battle ground as the rest of the world - eat, shit, fuck, sleep, repeat - it's just that some people don't know how to act in the present of you folk. You being the normal, non-asshole, god-fearing, peachy keen saint that you are. That's the difference between the fun loving "give you a hard time" douche bag that I assume I am, and the obnoxious dipshit who won't leave the bar at last call. So being that I am not better than THAT guy, I am proposing my one good deed that will get me into those pearly gates when the time comes. I will pass down my wisdom on how to point out who that douche bag is, at a distance and early enough, before he or she ruins your evening/morning/day/lifetime*.

It's as simple as looking at what they are drinking.

DOMESTIC BREWS - (Bud, Bud Light, Miller Light, etc) Usually a good indicator of someone who goes out all time...or just doesn't have a whole lot of money. They are the drinking equivalent of guerilla warfare, as you never know how many shots of other stronger liquors they have done, since they're nursing a bottle of piss water. So that annoying drunk asshole can come out of nowhere it seems. If they are just drinkng Coors Light though, they're probably just as exciting as a god damn can of Coors Light. Unless you're friends, avoid.

CHEEKY LOCAL BREWS - I guess here it would be Abita products. Decent beer I must say, and most of the time associated with decent people. That aside, it is just a localized version of the domestc brew dumbshits. They are drinking that because they simply don't know what else to drink - typical of the close minded, ass munching supermen. Don't mistake their pride in their local beer for actual amusement, as its the same kind of thinking that buys a Ford truck just because "well, my dad had one". You're dad had an asshole son, too. And...good god, if they are ever wearing a T-SHIRT pf that beer company, they'll also fill you in how their high school football team is doing even if they are 35. I'm ignoring Dixie beer here because it fucking sucks.

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL MIXED DRINKS: This is fairly easy, as any number of years experiencing the Discovery Channel that is working in a bar, you can figure out what the fuck is going on.Vodka Cranberry's - if its a guy, gay (or extremely John Wayne style straight because he obviously doesn't give a shit). If its a girl, she's either has only been to a bar 3 times of just wants to get fucked up (easy).

Jack 'n Cokes - Guy version of vodka cranberry. Typical of someone rarely in an organized drinking scene that isn't a bunch of liquor bottles on mom's coffee table. Just as clueless as domestic beer guy, only more drunk.

Red Bull/Liquor - Going in for the long haul (drinking for many hours) which means he or she is just trying to get laid.

Tonic Water/Liquor - Probably the easiest drink in the world to sip on, and usually indicative of someone who feels compelled to drink alcohol rather than actually WANTING to.

Anything with milk in it - Idiot.

Girly martinis - Definitely a bitch, and request for fruit means they are still craving food since their abusive boyfriend/husband/father won't let them eat full meals. Otherwise, its a person who went to bar not knowing what they like to drink at all. That's the equivalent of going to a circus and not knowing if you're afraid of clowns. If they ask for a cosmo, say you have never made that before and ask what's in it. They won't know.

Margaritas - This guy thinks he's the life of the party. The optimal word here is "thinks".

Anything on the rocks - Oh he's a real hard ass. He's probably overweight with a little dick. (Editor's note: I am not overweight and my dick is delightfully average)

Random exotic shots - The same person who orders these is the same kinda person who eats chicken tenders at your house and asks if you have any dfhoadfoafhkahfklah sauce. You don't. Because you have never heard of it. Becuase they only make it in Micronesia. DOUCHE BAG.

Jagermeister - I'm so tough rah rah rah dickhead. Worse when combined with...

MID- LEVEL BEERS - Heineken, Corona, Michelob, and so forth. The worst of the worst because this person is presuming they are BETTER than the piss water swilling domestic assholes and more mobile so as to not be aware of the cheeky local brew. As I said, these people will probably also be shooting Jagermesiter or Goldschlager. They might as well be wearing neon signs that say "Don't Talk to Me".

GUINESS - We get it. You're great grandparents' neighbor's uncle was straight off the boat from Ireland. Hooray. Now take off your stupid hat. (Editor's Note: I like my stupid hat)

TOP SHELF BREW - Negro Modelo, Peroni, Sierra Nevada, and assorted ciders. This person thinks they are just the bee's knees because they're older and have moved on past their wilder corona days. In truth, none of this beer is any good, and the person will still fuck you over in true heineken fashion. They'll just have a fancier bottle in their hand.

Really the only safe bet on a decent person is a person who knows what they are drinking and why they are drinking it. If they can't explain either of those things, then they are as clueless as a squirrel in a trashcan. You see, me, I am constantly thinking of what I am doing and I what I look like while I'm doing it. Because I am just so absolutely full of myself and get a little high when my name turns up in one of your sentences.....

and that's why I'm an asshole.

*I was talking about your actual life, not the TV channel, moron.

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