Monday, June 15, 2009

Like OMG, L.A. is sooo fake!

Have you heard this shit before? "Dude, man, I like...hate L.A. dude. It's so fake. It's like, super trendy. Dude, it's just fake." Really? Where do you draw your grand wisdom from dipshit? It's fake? You mean people will only associate with you based on how good looking you are or what you can do for their careers? Everyone dresses stylish to cover up their convoluted self-esteem issues? Everyone isn't automatically nice to you like they're your grandparents? Hmm. SOUNDS LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY. When someone says they hate a city, it is automatically implied that they think they are above that city. Though, when they provide reasoning like "it's fake" and not something intelligent like "I find the traffic there unfavorable", I want to very rapidly introduce my face to a plate glass window.

When I was bar tending in Chicago (there is a space between bar and tending because according to Firefox, bartending is not a word), I spoke openly of my plan to move to Los Angeles. The best reaction I ever got was a guy who used to live there. He said "Yeah man, L.A. is great. Just remember who you are." Uh huh. Remember who I am. Admittedly, he was shithammered when he slurred his words out, but that's no excuse for the utter stupidity of what he said. Remember who I am? As if Los Angeles is a black hole of soul sucking influence. If you live there, you will forget your very identity. I remember who I am. I'm a lazy, selfish, misogynistic asshole. Ha! I remembered! What that guy said applies more to a city like New Orleans. Very literally, there you will forget everything not associated with very cheap liquor. Los Angeles is like any other intimidating city, a whole lot of people barely making rent and car payments on their status symbol apartment and convertible.

I'm still waiting on the hordes of plastic women. I've seen no more here than any other place I've lived. How shameful of these rich, famous celebrities. Flashing their wealth around. How dare they. Why, if I ever made a lot of money I wouln't ever......wait, yes I would. I would coat my skeleton in gold. I'd live like a god damn Egyptian Prince on a Persian bender. I'd have more arm candy than a chocolate octopus. I'd get a diamond plaque that reads "Hollywood Trash" and nail it to my face. That's why people make money, so they can do meaningless shit like that. But no, everyone else in the country says "Oh L.A. is too fake for me" as if they are simple, humble, bible thumping goodie goods. Ah wait a second, aren't people is those rugged places more real? Grounded? Legitimate human beings? I've lived in those places. They're not. Just because you have to shovel snow and chop wood does not make you a better person. Hard manual labor does not build character. I've done all these things, and as many of you should know - I'm a horrible fucking human being. In fact, every shovel load of dirt I've moved in my life is directly proportional to how tall that solid gold naked woman statue will be in the middle of my gatehouse fountain. Her eyes will also have light up rubies.

But Los Angeles is still full of terrible fake people. They want to use you and abuse you. Yawn. I went to a Hollywood club/bar/party last week. They were having some pornstar function. Ron Jeremy was there. Though I'm told the chance of seeing Ron Jeremy at a Hollywood social event is just as good as walking into a forest and finding a tree. Either way, it was great fun. But I suppose if I had a good time, it must've been a fake good time. I guess I really wasn't enjoying myself, right? It's far more noble to have never moved, and stayed in a quiet little neighborhood bar, correct? That's more real. Ha. Sure. Whatever. The rest of the world can keep making excuses on why they hate other cities. Have at it. All I can tell you is that it is perpetually 75 degrees and sunny here, palm trees line every street, everyone drives a European sportscar, and the people act just like how they would in any other fucking part of the world. They don't give a shit about you. Beautiful.

In short, yeah I guess everyone here is a stuck up prick. We're all stuck up pricks. We're all pretending to be something we're clearly not. We're all assholes. We're all fake.

So you were right. You don't live here because you're not like that. You're better than us. Right. I'll try to remember that.

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