The REAL Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before christmas, I'm drunk and alone
flipping through names in my cellular phone
"I'm hung like a stocking, your chimney beware"
I text to some chick, but she isn't there

Nestled all comfy on a couch in the den
On demand movies, in lieu of friends
"A Christmas Story", now there's a good one
Ralphie's like me, we both want a gun

When on the next channel, there's breaking news
Auto-sales plummet right down to their shoes
three thousand lay-offs, maybe four, maybe five
workers are clamoring "that bailout is mine!"

Bollocks I mutter, "I'd stop all those crooks!"
but I'm far too busy checking facebook
a notification, a message, or poke?
a party invite may be my only hope

Some friends are gathering at a bar later on
but they can't be out late, for tomorrow they're gone
they have girlfriends to please and families to greet
I need to do something or I’ll fall asleep

"Hey buddy! What's up? Glad you are here!
This is Kate, we've been together one year!"
She's kinda fat, but I don't make a fuss
she doesn't talk much, which is always a plus

She says "nice to meet you" and I walk away
I'm scanning the bar for way better game
"Not a prize in the bunch" I hiss to myself
"More whiskey I guess, from the top shelf"

I drink 'til I'm witty, 'til my pockets are bare
'til I'm being escorted back down the stairs
on through the crowd, and out of the door
the bouncer decries "You're welcome no more"

He was dressed in a hat, and that made me stop
oh fucking shit, that bouncer's a cop
He took down my name as I sat in his car
too drunk in public, I'd gone too far

"On christmas eve, that's surely a shame"
He said with a slight tone of disdain
I kicked and I screamed and I blamed all my friends
"They're drunk too! Why don't you get them!"

He wrote me a ticket, and said I could go
“No more drinking, get a cab home”
I said that I would but it was a lie
There’s no way I could pay for a ride

The bars were now closed, my friends had all left
They didn’t try to call, not even a text
I find a dark alley and empty my bladder
Laughing “Haha, she’ll only get fatter”

When from the shadows a stranger appears
“Hey you drunk get the hell out of here!”
I reach for my zipper, get some on my pants
To tame such a beast requires both hands

I race for the street, flailing about
For you know that it was, still hanging out
With hand on my crotch, I screamed through the night
“MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE!”